Initial Intercourse
 

A great deal has been written on the subject of this chapter, most of which has had little purpose other than to attract the lascivious. Where a writer is really sincere in his effort to deal with the problem, the treatment is often sketchy in that too great a neglect of necessary detail exists and that too much emphasis is laid on the theme, "Be tender, be understanding."

It would be interesting to see a man, though he be in every respect a barbarian, who on the bridal night at least does not possess tender emotions for his wife. His subsequent offenses may be characterized by ignorance and the inability to control himself, but never by a desire to be brutal. From a woman's point of view, if her husband exhibits complete ignorance of how to go about a delicate matter and lacks self-control once he is aroused, any tenderness on his part must become of secondary importance.

It is probable that much of the carelessness concerning the duties of the male on the bridal night and the honeymoon is due to the attitude that nature has allowed for this procedure in her plans; that she does not regard it as a particularly delicate or difficult operation, and will automatically protect the fool from his folly in this one respect at least. To a limited extent, this philosophy is valid.

Certainly, intercourse appears to be a perfectly normal function, performed as easily and successfully by the savage as by the civilized and with no apparent disturbing after-effects. It must, therefore, be a very simple procedure and one requiring no particular knowledge. In the view of many, the pain of initial intercourse, like the pains of labor, is something to which a woman must reconcile herself.

For the state of labor, however, nature has also provided for the automatic delivery of the infant; throughout a large portion of the world, this process is aided only by a mid-wife. In our more civilized society, even police officers have performed with passable competence in an emergency. Yet, what civilized man in this country would consider allowing his wife to pass through childbirth without the attendance of a qualified doctor?

Apparently, what is good enough for the savage and for us in one instance, is good enough only for the savage in another. However, in initial intercourse women have hem-orrhaged to death, although such an occurrence is very rare. In view of even so remote a possibility, it is strange that the situation is too frequently accepted as something about which the layman needs not a particle of knowledge.

Of course, almost every man who has had the experience of marrying a woman possessing a hymen manages to survive the ordeal somehow, just as a man who has never delivered an extemporaneous address finally stumbles through an unorganized presentation. Undoubtedly, nature has done her best to provide against physical, if not psychological, damage, and has been more or less successful. As with everything in life, however, the scientific approach is preferable, even on principle alone. Let us, therefore, analyze the problem.

Behavior on the marriage night may vary according to the conditions which exist. There is no one, stipulated, undeviating procedure which can be laid down as a universal law, because, naturally, consideration depends entirely upon the physical structure of the bride: Whether she be a virgin, or whether she has had marital or premarital experience. In the two latter instances, the bridegroom faces no insurmountable physical difficulties.

Of course, there are certain fundamentals which do not change, either on the bridal night or subsequently; of these, self-control and leisurely preliminary sex play are the most important. However, with respect to the specific problem of the virgin, which is what primarily occupies us here, there can be and are varying circumstances which determine male behavior. Let us deal with this outworn concept of the hymen and its relationship to various suppositions as to what constitutes chastity.

It stands to reason that pure chastity is a matter of thought as well as of behavior. If we limit our discussion to fundamental physical qualifications, many persons conclude that an undoubted virgin is one who approaches her wedding night thoroughly intact.

Should a man be one of those individuals who appraises morals exclusively on the existence of a more or less tough section of membrane barring entrance to the vagina, he may be satisfied if it is present. But he may be completely deceived by either its presence or its absence, because an intact hymen is proof of only one thing: that it has not been ruptured. Its existence cannot, by any stretch of the imagination, mean that a woman has participated in no form of sex indulgence. In many cases a male has partly entered the vaginal canal, merely stretching the hymen, but not breaking it.

Furthermore, any number of girls will allow every form of intimacy short of actual intercourse. By this it is not meant that intercourse with them is impossible, but only that such a girl always exacts promises that her partner omit the final phase of the relationship. However, the male can experience orgasm and even induce one in his partner, since he has only to move his penis along the external genitals, brushing the clitoris. In fact, this a frequent variation in instances where women of low sensitivity experience no sensation about the vagina, but are more aroused when the male organ rather than the finger induces the sex sensation at the clitoris. Obviously, a woman who maintains her hymen intact under such conditions can hardly be considered as retaining a virginal status. Certainly, even lesser intimacies must be regarded as modifying a woman's virginity.

On the other hand, is the absence of the maidenhead in itself any indication that a woman has been violated? No more so than its presence proves virginity. It is not necessary to seek far for the reason. The hymen may have been accidentally ruptured in childhood or adolescence in ways too numerous to list, and a girl may not have the slightest awareness of the occurrence. Nevertheless, she is as virginal as her sister whose hymen has remained intact.

But what if the hymen is not lacking by reason of accident but has been lost in the routine of sex practice? Is it possible to determine the one from the other? The answer to that is that it depends entirely upon the structure of the girl, on how capable an actress she may be. and on the male's gullibility. If she has a small canal, can lie plausibly, and is able to affect a realistic simulation of pain, she can stage a most convincing performance and completely mislead a spouse who understandably indulges in wishful thinking. In many circumstances, even a physician can be deceived.

Thus, as a practical matter, the absence of the hymen is no guide to the virginity of a woman, nor is virginity a standard by which to evaluate chastity. Where, then, do we stand? The truth is, we stand exactly where we should. A woman should be taken on trust and trust alone, just as she accepts a man; if he is not sufficiently tolerant for that, then he should remain a bachelor. It will be best for both, and certainly best for a woman; otherwise, she will lead a life of continuous torment.

There is no fixed law for determining the future morality of one's wife. We must rely on the estimate we have made of her as a person. The fact that she is intact on her wedding night is no guarantee that she will not slip from her pedestal five years hence. Nor is the fact that she may have been indifferent to conventions prior to her marriage any indication that she will not make a constant and devoted mate. A woman's chastity depends upon too many influences, the least important of which is her self-control and the most important of which is opportunity.

Let us assume, however, that the groom will rejoice in the discovery that his wife is intact on the bridal night. If he is interested in approaching this occasion with a certain amount of security, he can gain it by following certain procedures. Similar knowledge need not overburden the prospective bride. Since it is she who will bear what inconvenience there is, she can relieve it by co-operation.

At the outset, it is well for a woman to understand that the rupturing of the hymen is not necessarily an excrutia-tingly painful experience. Normally, if it is done properly, there exists what may be described as a painful moment following which there is immediate relief. There is nothing about the entire operation to fear or dread. In fact, many women experience no pain at all. A definite and somewhat severe tenderness does continue in many cases, however, for a number of days following, but it is in no wise so disturbing as to confine a woman to bed and so easily bearable that she need feel no concern.

However, there do exist conditions with which the male should be acquainted and which will have a bearing on his behavior. The hymen membrane varies in toughness; if it fails to yield quickly under reasonable pressure, it is obviously wise to attempt to weaken it by gradual stretching and not to insist upon completing the process on the wedding night. Should repeated failures occur, the matter should be referred to a physician, who will determine the difficulty and relieve it. Usually this involves only a simple and relatively painless puncture of the hymen.

It is also intelligent for the prospective bride, when she appears for the Wassermann test, which most states now prescribe, to undergo a thorough physical examination, learn whether her proportions are large or small, and ask her doctor's advice. She should then discuss her physical condition with her future husband.

This, perhaps, is most important of all and should be constantly carried in mind by the groom: All initiative, all control lies completely within his hands. The bride can do only one thing of importance, and that is to relax. Even so, the husband must repeatedly remind her of this and assist her in it.

Before attempting intercourse, the husband should also thoroughly acquaint himself with the genital region of his wife. He should direct his attention to the construction of the vaginal canal and the location of the hymen, so that direct and not angular pressure may be used against it. Depending upon height and size, it may be necessary for a woman to be placed with her buttocks on a pillow to elevate the extremities, or she may be forced to bend her knees sharply, or even wrap her legs about the waist of the male, to mention only a few considerations. These are physical peculiarities which the male must study and about which the physical examination mentioned can be most helpful; women very definitely vary in structure.

The correct angle of entrance is not at all important in subsequent intercourse once the vaginal section has accustomed itself to accommodate the male organ; the walls of the vaginal canal automatically adjust the penis to a comfortable position. However, for the single purpose of rupturing the hymen, a direct and not angular pressure simplifies the process, and this requires a certain familiarity with female structure.

It is probable that not one man in ten, prior to marriage or subsequent to it, can draw a simple sketch of the cross section of a woman's genitals to include the uterus, the outer lips, the clitoris, the urethra, the inner lips, the vaginal muscles, the hymen, the vaginal canal, and the tip of the womb—just eight small parts and seven of them all-important to an adequate understanding of what is involved in proper sex indulgence, and ignorance of which may interfere with enjoyment. Such a sketch is presented on the next page. It should be studied; on the bridal night, instead of making a determined effort to rupture the hymen at all costs, the husband should compare the diagram with his wife's genital region, as determined by actual examination. The approach to this matter should be casual and delicate to avoid giving a bride the impression that this investigation arises from pure physical lust, and to avoid arousing the suspicion that the husband may be unconventional in his habits. If one goes about this properly, he will also go a long way toward destroying future inhibitions which may lead to false modesty. A study of the sketch, if it does nothing else, may prevent a blundering groom from battering away at the tip of the womb in subsequent intercourses.

Once the hymen has been ruptured with only normal strain, it will in most cases, hemorrhage. It should then be allowed to bleed itself out, provided, of course, the flow appears to be a normal one and ceases within a reasonable length of time. Actually, that is sufficient progress for one night, and a thoughtful husband will so regard it. He may be sure, also, that his wife will not be too opposed to a cessation of activity, and he should not be misled by any protestation that she is willing to proceed. She may do so only because she feels that an interruption interferes with the satisfaction of his passion. She realizes that this is a disagreeable performance and is moved by a feeling of guilt.

Actually, this is the true situation; she has been tense and anxious, and certainly with ample reason. She has been expecting a somewhat painful and generally disagreeable experience, and her nerves are as taut as those of a patient in a dentist's chair. Furthermore, it is completely out of the question for men or women to give their best to sex indulgence unless they are thoroughly relaxed. This is particularly true of a woman. It is abnormal to force upon her something which she is neither physically nor mentally adjusted to meet. If one still feels amative, there are ways to spend the time, ways so obvious that they require no explanation. A virgin awaits introductions to the world of sex. A perfect lover with the proper understanding will control his own passion on this particular night as he will do frequently in the future and, following the rupture, will devote himself exclusively to relaxing her and not himself.

If hemorrhages occur on subsequent attempts, the male should restrain his impulses until bleeding stops permanently. Common sense suggests that where a bleeding occurs, irritation is present. No man would apply friction to an open wound on his own body, and he must be equally considerate with his wife.

For the next few occasions following the stoppage of the flow, the introduction of the male organ into the vagina should, if necessary, be a gradual one; only an indifferent groom will insist on entering beyond an inch after the first signal of female discomfort. There should be no attempt to penetrate the full distance under any circumstances until the depth and width of the canal have been ascertained. It is possible that the woman may be so constructed as to be at all times "tight," as the expression goes, and to have a short canal. It is astonishing how the length and width of the canal can vary with women and affect the pleasure of intercourse from the purely physical standpoint. The male should try to estimate these dimensions by inserting a well lubricated finger to the cervix in the vaginal vault. This will give him an approximation of size.

Returning to the actual introduction of the penis, the groom should withdraw at the first sign of female distress, and repeat the procedure several times until easy access to the distance of an inch is permitted with lessening discomfort. That is sufficient for this particular period also; it might be added that during these invasions the male organ should be well lubricated with vaseline or, preferably, surgical jelly.

Upon succeeding occasions, penetration may be increased bit by bit, thus allowing the vaginal walls sufficient opportunity to become used to this gradual crowding. After several periods of careful and considerate conditioning, it will be found that, outside of a sharp but temporary twinge of sensitivity immediately upon distending the mouth of the vagina, entrance can be effected without difficulty; one is then, and only then, ready to undertake the problem of perfect intercourse. This cannot be accomplished overnight, and it is dealt with in subsequent chapters.

It must be emphasized that the depth of the vagina and vaginal vault varies with different women. Even upon their fullest expansion they may not, perhaps for several months, be able to accommodate more than half to three-quarters of the male organ. A great many women, prior to childbirth and in numerous instances following, never stretch in depth to a point where they can accept the full length of an erected penis, especially if the male organ is larger than average. The genitals of men, as well as those of women, vary in proportions, and a normal male penis may have an erected length varying from five to seven inches.

In these situations, it is unwise to batter as with a ram upon the vaginal vault and the tip of the womb. Eventually this will create pain and tenderness, and accomplish nothing other than to develop in the wife an aversion to the sex act. It is very probable that childbirth will ultimately make an adjustment in size.

The intelligent and considerate groom will devote a week or ten days to gradually introducing his bride to the delightful world of sex instead of trying to bring it about in one operation. When he feels that he has fully accomplished this to the best of his ability, he should see that she is examined by a physician to make absolutely certain that no injury has occurred, especially if the wife experiences any constant pain during relationships. She will then probably never have reason to find sex repugnant as a consequence of blunders on the honeymoon.

Unfortunately, and in spite of all that may be said, many women will find the bridal night extremely disagreeable. Normal men exist who when sexually aroused have no control whatever over their impulses. They become, literally, frenzied and oblivious to everything but their own needs. A wife's discomfort cannot even register, so overwhelmed is this type by its own emotion and so driven to satisfy it.

There is little a woman can do under the circumstances. She can submit and hope that time will either condition her to these assaults or that her husband will eventually introduce reason into his approach, a most unlikely probability. Her safest course is to have an immediate showdown. Regardless of the honeymoon stage, she must make it firmly understood that, under no circumstances, will she submit to further attacks of that nature. She must strongly impress upon him that his emotion is no excuse for rape, because rape it is. She must warn him that unless he exerts an intelligent control over his future behavior, she will forbid intimacy. And she must mean it.

A man of this type is a bully by nature, and like all bullies is quick to seize upon any physical advantage he possesses. Once a woman submits to his indifferent handling of her, she becomes from that moment a piece of sexual apparatus to be used and abused according to his inclinations. Unless she faces the situation squarely and at once, her general future with such a husband is already forecast.

If one accepts the accounts of women who have described the events of the bridal night and those immediately following, a thoughtful husband will realize how easy it is to make mistakes. The problem must be approached leisurely; it must be considered studiously; and it must be treated practically. It is not a glamorous or routine undertaking, but a very serious one. In fact, the bridal night should be regarded not as an appropriate occasion for the enjoyment of intercourse, but as the most unsuitable time for it.